anxiety and hosting events

[brainwane]

I could use some tips on how to be a better event host when some participants are acting unusually anxious.

Sometimes, when I am hosting an event, there are new participants who demonstrate a level of anxiousness above and beyond standard jitters. Like, it's very common for a first-timer to not initiate conversation and to not move around physically to mingle, to double-check whether it's OK to sit down in a particular chair, and to be unsure of what topics it's ok to talk about.

But I'm talking about stuff like:

• about every 3rd thing they say is laced with self-deprecation
• they respond with uncertainty and "is it ok?" double-checks to pretty standard offers (e.g. a snack from a pile of snacks on a table in front of them)
• their worries take over the ordinary give-and-take of conversation, because when other people mention things they like or new ideas, the anxious person's responses usually include some worry about the thing (not framed as curiosity)

Tips?

Comments

initial musings

[brainwane]

I am a COVID-cautious host, so generally these meetings are outdoors, and at least some participants wear masks. Depending on current transmission levels, I sometimes wear a mask for outdoor events. For an indoor event that will include strangers, I wear a mask, including while hosting.

I would not be surprised if I am temperamentally less suited than the median person to be a good host for a stranger exhibiting this kind of anxiety, specifically the kind in which the person's worries and insecurities come out as incurious negative assumptions that I then feel an urge to painstakingly correct. So one thing I'm going to look into is getting cohosts for meetups, especially cohosts who are better at being chill.

[altamira16]

I think that in the now there may be some uncertainty about others for various reasons. I think you can alleviate your second bullet point by pre-empting it and saying, "Feel free to have a snack. Sit where ever you like. Just because I am wearing a mask does not mean that I expect everyone to wear a mask."

There is a lot of feeling others out on a lot of things. We had a disability inclusion talk at my company, and this lady who came to give the talk said she was talking to the leader of some org a year or two earlier while wearing a mask. That other leader tucked her hair behind her ear, and that showed that she was wearing a hearing aid so the person with the mask asked "Would you like me to take my mask off so you can see my lips?" (Once she noticed the hearing aid, she wanted to be inclusive of the person who might need to lip read.)

[indywind]

What works for me when my social anxiety is high enough to prompt behaviors like you describe:

- Like altamira16 said, pre-emptively clearly state expectations to reduce uncertainty

- Include social/emotional expectations in the pre-emptive communication. Ones I've received in the past are like: "You're welcome to ask for anything you need to be more comfortable, I won't mind and I'll accommodate if I can -- but know that I can't accommodate worrying, venting, or complaining, I'm not the right audience for that." "I'm going to focus on [positive/hopeful aspects of topic], your concerns are valid but let's save them for another time." "I already said [thing they double check about] is okay. Please don't keep asking, I will tell you if that changes." "Deprecating people is off-limits here, and that includes negging oneself. Knock it off."

-Name the pattern: "Your worries are taking over the conversation; let's refocus. [subject change]" "You're saying a lot of negative stuff about yourself. I'm uncomfortable with that. Can you stop, and talk about something else?"

I might have more; will think about it and come back later.

[jenett]

I don't do this in the same way, but I hit this with my coven life. When we're open to new folks (in that process now, with intro classes starting in january), one of the things I'm super explicit about (say it out loud a couple of times, include it in written info) is that basically no one comes into a coven knowing how to be in a coven, it's a skill we all have to learn. I talk about how the first class is going to be a little awkward, and that's normal. (And then in that class, we have some structure to help with the awkward: letting people know we'll ask for a brief intro as part of the 'getting to know process', existing group members there go first, to model it. I'm clear about the structure of what we're doing (intros, talk about this topic for a bit, take a break for 5 minutes or so after about an hour, then more talking...) and repeat that each time we transition.

And I make it clear it's my job as the person running the class (and group) to keep an eye on the time, let people know if something's going on a bit long, etc. (Some groups have someone in this sort of gathering whose specific role is just to manage that kind of time thing.)

It doesn't solve all of it, but it usually gives people enough solid points they can figure out what they want to do. Sometimes poeple are quiet the first few meetings, until they get a better feel for it, except for the bits where I explicitly ask them something (like for an intro), and that's usually also fine.

With what you describe, I might think about whether adding a checkin point (after the first gathering, if this is an ongoing thing) or during a break might help if it's possible.

[totient]

If the gathering has a social purpose whose outcome is not guaranteed, maybe resolve that outcome for a (consenting) nervous person first? So for instance at a Toastmasters event where not everyone gets/has to speak, I often resolve my nervousness by going first, and I always name that nervousness and my specific fears out loud so that others can see what I am doing and that my fears did not materialize.

[phi]

What kind of events are these, and what is your relationship to the people anxiety-ing at you?

I have some friends who are like this at social gatherings. I address it ahead of time by talking about the emotional labor they are implicitly asking for when they externalize their anxiety into me. And I remind them that it's way more annoying to manage an adult's emotion than to deal with "oops someone took too many cookies" or whatever.

If it's more professional or community organizing that is open to the public, that obviously doesn't work. I have less experience there, but laying out expectations and clear roadmaps at the beginning can at least attenuate it. I really like the scripts Indywind gave in an earlier comment.

[karen2205]

Can you write some of the rules down in the invite / joining instructions or on a website?

- can you say something like 'if there's a problem with your behaviour, I will talk to you about it'[wondering from the examples you give if the extra nervous new people are used to operating in contexts where they're expected to react correctly to unclear / implicit communication and if you can make the expectations explicit it might help them feel less nervous]

- giving info eg. nearest toilets, car parking, public transport might help. As might info on the physical boundaries of your meeting space if you're outdoors / details of other people / groups who usually use spaces next to yours. And for outdoor events at this time of year, it'd be good to say what you're doing as host to keep people warm enough and what they can do for themselves. Should they bring their own chairs and/or blankets?

- giving another sort of info - is it a structured event? is it unstructured or hybrid? Is it ok to just leave if you're not enjoying it? Is it possible to leave without help from you as the host?

- confirming re eating stuff in a situation where some people are wearing masks and others aren't actually seems reasonable to me. What rules does the space have on wearing masks? Could the space look like one where everyone who can wear a mask is doing so? Do people only remove them to eat? How physically close is it ok to get to other people? (especially if these people might normally be mask wearing but have removed them to eat) Is there a specific space to go to if you want to eat? [in case there are people not eating to avoid taking their masks off]

- there's also a whole chunk of stuff around where have the snacks come from / who has paid for them / are we supposed to be contributing to the cost? that might need clarifying for new people.

- you may not need a co-host, if you can find someone specifically willing to help look after new people for the first 30 mins or so.

non-logistical concerns

[brainwane]

I appreciate your thoughts on this kind of attendee's logistical concerns.

And I understand how frequent repetitive self-deprecation can arise partly because of uncertainty about acceptability of behavior.

In the experience I most recently had, it felt like there was no amount of reassurance or information anyone could give this participant that helped them seem less worried (when given clear information on something they'd seemed uncertain about, the person did not seem relieved). That's part of what I am describing as unusual anxiousness, along with the "their worries take over the ordinary give-and-take of conversation" pattern. So, if you have tips for that situation, that'd help further.

Re: non-logistical concerns

[karen2205]

Maybe, but the only things I can think of are time consuming in a way that's not really compatible with hosting:-/

- say something like 'sorry, I'm tired, I'm not sure I've explained it very well - can you tell me what I've just said to you, to check I've not missed anything out'. I deliberately use a self deprecating formulation when I'm trying to check understanding with adults because it can sound very 'adult to child', but that's not necessary.

- give them a job to do, so there's something for them to focus on that isn't being worried.

- sit with them and let them ramble at you, making approving noises every so often, using your calmness / stillness to help them calm [really not compatible with hosting]

- encourage them to go home + come back another day, say the event will still be there and if they're not up for it today, that's OK.

- call them on it 'I've explained x three times now, you still seem really anxious. Is there something I could do right now that might help?' or ask them explicitly 'what's wrong?' 'is everything ok?' [runs the risk of you getting into an emotionally complex conversation]

[lilacsigil]

Hello, I get that nervous, and I don't like it in myself, either.

Things that help: ignore the self-deprecation and move on with the conversation, same with the "is it ok?" double checks. "Yep, that's ok, help yourself to anything," then move on. That is an annoying thing I do but only figure out later what was happening.

When the anxiety is taking over the flow of conversation, redirect the topic rather than leave someone stuck dealing with the anxiety. The anxiety is going to happen, and the host should be saving other guests from it rather than attending to the anxious person, who is most likely anxious about the whole situation rather than a specific thing that can be addressed. You'll know you're doing it right when they come back another time.

[gentlyepigrams]

No tips, because this is not my thing, but sympathies.

[j00j]

Mostly here to listen because we have a few people in our social sphere who are similarly nervous. Often it stems from trauma and just takes *a lot of time* for people to understand it's okay to ask and you really mean it when they say something is acceptable or even encouraged. I'd say that the job you've taken on as a host is not to guarantee someone will be comfortable, but to offer the things you can for their comfort. I like the idea of getting a more chill cohost who has additional bandwidth to do some of the emotional work here in talking to folks with this level of anxiety. I absolutely agree there's a point where someone has to name the pattern if a person's worries are dominating the conversation. Someone with this level of anxiety may not be in a position to take that feedback well, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't name it. It does mean speaking separately to them about it might be helpful if it's possible-- it may not be if they're a first timer and things are at a point where you need to redirect things to allow others to enjoy the event.