anxiety and hosting events

[brainwane]

I could use some tips on how to be a better event host when some participants are acting unusually anxious.

Sometimes, when I am hosting an event, there are new participants who demonstrate a level of anxiousness above and beyond standard jitters. Like, it's very common for a first-timer to not initiate conversation and to not move around physically to mingle, to double-check whether it's OK to sit down in a particular chair, and to be unsure of what topics it's ok to talk about.

But I'm talking about stuff like:

• about every 3rd thing they say is laced with self-deprecation
• they respond with uncertainty and "is it ok?" double-checks to pretty standard offers (e.g. a snack from a pile of snacks on a table in front of them)
• their worries take over the ordinary give-and-take of conversation, because when other people mention things they like or new ideas, the anxious person's responses usually include some worry about the thing (not framed as curiosity)

Tips?

Comments

[jenett]

I don't do this in the same way, but I hit this with my coven life. When we're open to new folks (in that process now, with intro classes starting in january), one of the things I'm super explicit about (say it out loud a couple of times, include it in written info) is that basically no one comes into a coven knowing how to be in a coven, it's a skill we all have to learn. I talk about how the first class is going to be a little awkward, and that's normal. (And then in that class, we have some structure to help with the awkward: letting people know we'll ask for a brief intro as part of the 'getting to know process', existing group members there go first, to model it. I'm clear about the structure of what we're doing (intros, talk about this topic for a bit, take a break for 5 minutes or so after about an hour, then more talking...) and repeat that each time we transition.

And I make it clear it's my job as the person running the class (and group) to keep an eye on the time, let people know if something's going on a bit long, etc. (Some groups have someone in this sort of gathering whose specific role is just to manage that kind of time thing.)

It doesn't solve all of it, but it usually gives people enough solid points they can figure out what they want to do. Sometimes poeple are quiet the first few meetings, until they get a better feel for it, except for the bits where I explicitly ask them something (like for an intro), and that's usually also fine.

With what you describe, I might think about whether adding a checkin point (after the first gathering, if this is an ongoing thing) or during a break might help if it's possible.