things I'm tall at

[brainwane]

Am trying out this way of thinking:

If I were the tallest person in a group, I'd be the one who helps grab things off high shelves. And that would be fine, as long as it's not All The Time, and other people don't just take me for granted. And probably there would be other things that other people are particularly good at, better than the rest of us, and the little favors we do would all balance out.

There are some activities that I am .... it feels uncomfortable to say that I'm GOOD at them. But I seem to be able to consider myself "tall" at them. That is, I seem to have the ability to do them more easily than the other people I'm around can. How much of that is nature and how much is nurture? What's skill and what's temperament? And am I objectively good at those activities? I can sweep those aside by instead thinking that I am "tall" at them -- for WHATEVER combination of reasons, those shelves seem easy for me to reach, RELATIVE to how the other folks in the group feel.

Example: initiating group social things. I am unintimidated by the prospect of, say, throwing a note up on MetaFilter's IRL site to say: let's get together at this particular date and time! Or, for that matter, blogging, and public speaking, and some other activities that carry some risk of public criticism, or of finding that no one shows up to be audience or to be the other part of the conversation.

The main useful effect of this new "tall" framing is: I can feel less frustrated when other people have a hard time following my lead, and I can accept that I'm going to be one of the people in this group who carries a disproportionate amount of the load for particular activities. I can set up scaffolding, I can teach, etc., but also I can accept that most people just can't or won't do those things.

As long as I don't get super fixed-mindset and Dweck-incompliant about it I think it's fine....

Comments

[kass]

I like the framing of "I am tall at this task." It removes the ... almost moral valance of being good / bad? and it feels like it's a clearer way to focus on whether or not the task comes naturally. Thank you for that.

Nice framework!

[jesse_the_k]

For me that would reduce the sting of "I'm super skilled at this--therefore everyone will be watching me for slip-ups."

[jenett]

I like this framing (and um, as someone who is 5', often end up asking people to be tall for me, for which I am then very grateful.)

I also think a lot about this re: disability stuff: there is some stuff for me that I can do, but it is *vastly* more effort for me to do it than for most people, and it's the constant maths of 'do I ask someone to do that for whom it is trivial, or do I do it myself'.

So, yeah, for me, I also identify the stuff I am tall at, where it's relatively easy for me to do the thing (it doesn't have ongoing consequences once the task is done), it's not using up spoons or spell slots (or whatever other description we're using for the disability stuff that I needed for ordinary life needs). (Like, some exertion is fine. Exertion that means I can't make dinner be a thing that happens is a problem, and is certainly not sustainable.)

But yeah, also the "recognise that this is more of a lift for other people than for me" is part of that equation on the other end.

[dismallyoriented]

This is a very helpful (and funny/clever) framework, thanks for writing it up. As the asymptotically-approaching neurotypical in my household, I often end up being the manager and doer of a lot of tasks in the place. We are making efforts to distribute the load more evenly, and I try my best not to get helicopter-y to everyone's detriment. But much as I can understand how neurodivergence and trauma can affect people's ability to do necessary things, but the Tall framing definitely helps remove the lingering moral valence from the picture.

It also helps that my wife is the physically tall one so. Flipping the script is funny for me.

[hydropsyche]

My in person friend who I see the most often is also a person who is tall at initiating events, and I am so glad that those of you who are tall in that way use that tallness to help the rest of us!

[azurelunatic]

:D

[gentlyepigrams]

That is a great framing.