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brainwaneSo, for the past few years, every year when I read the list of new MacArthur Fellows, I would get upset and envious.
Today I saw the new list was available and I took several seconds to wait before clicking and sit with myself and be ok with the fact that I would feel what I was gonna feel: Envy and ambition and desire, maybe upset if someone won who I knew and didn't like, a feeling of failure that I would not be on the list and maybe someone I see as a peer is, a feeling of hopelessness worrying that I'm not ever going to be driven/disciplined enough to do the things that would bring me to that kind of recognition.
And I thought about going to the Musee des Arts et Metiers in Paris, how there's a Jacquard loom there but also there are all these other looms by these other people who innovated in ways Jacquard learned from, and I remembered that I'm part of the ecology, supporting brilliant people and helping them do work and get recognized.
And then I sat with that and then I looked and I was able to be happy for the people who are actually being recognized! Especially Lynda Barry and Danielle Keats Citron! And to know that in another year maybe one of my closer friends will be on the list and I'll be so happy for them.
Today I saw the new list was available and I took several seconds to wait before clicking and sit with myself and be ok with the fact that I would feel what I was gonna feel: Envy and ambition and desire, maybe upset if someone won who I knew and didn't like, a feeling of failure that I would not be on the list and maybe someone I see as a peer is, a feeling of hopelessness worrying that I'm not ever going to be driven/disciplined enough to do the things that would bring me to that kind of recognition.
And I thought about going to the Musee des Arts et Metiers in Paris, how there's a Jacquard loom there but also there are all these other looms by these other people who innovated in ways Jacquard learned from, and I remembered that I'm part of the ecology, supporting brilliant people and helping them do work and get recognized.
And then I sat with that and then I looked and I was able to be happy for the people who are actually being recognized! Especially Lynda Barry and Danielle Keats Citron! And to know that in another year maybe one of my closer friends will be on the list and I'll be so happy for them.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-09-25 05:41 pm (UTC)Ahem. I rarely see anyone I know, but I'm always filled with anger and envy. Especially now that so many recipients are so much younger than me. The first time I was eligible for an NFA grant, they stopped giving out individual grants. I've won tons of awards, and what I've learned is that, unless there's money involved, it's easy to shrug off the value of those awards later on. Even the time the millionaire gave me several thousand dollars to produce "Toasted" when he couldn't guarantee a production personally.
I admit to a lot of schadenfreude when the many artists I envied twenty years ago have...er...not been as recognized as they used to be. Because I'm petty as fuck.
What I try to do now is to do everything to the best of my ability, and enjoy the encouragement, recognition and respect when it happens.
Somehow I see you getting a grant someday. If not a MacArthur, something with $$$.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-09-25 05:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-09-25 07:19 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-09-25 08:08 pm (UTC)NGL, the money would be great! Managing being around Those Folks -- suppressing belief in justice -- is a definite trial.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-09-26 12:59 am (UTC)