![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
anxiety and hosting events
I could use some tips on how to be a better event host when some participants are acting unusually anxious.
Sometimes, when I am hosting an event, there are new participants who demonstrate a level of anxiousness above and beyond standard jitters. Like, it's very common for a first-timer to not initiate conversation and to not move around physically to mingle, to double-check whether it's OK to sit down in a particular chair, and to be unsure of what topics it's ok to talk about.
But I'm talking about stuff like:
- about every 3rd thing they say is laced with self-deprecation
- they respond with uncertainty and "is it ok?" double-checks to pretty standard offers (e.g. a snack from a pile of snacks on a table in front of them)
- their worries take over the ordinary give-and-take of conversation, because when other people mention things they like or new ideas, the anxious person's responses usually include some worry about the thing (not framed as curiosity)
Tips?
no subject
- can you say something like 'if there's a problem with your behaviour, I will talk to you about it'[wondering from the examples you give if the extra nervous new people are used to operating in contexts where they're expected to react correctly to unclear / implicit communication and if you can make the expectations explicit it might help them feel less nervous]
- giving info eg. nearest toilets, car parking, public transport might help. As might info on the physical boundaries of your meeting space if you're outdoors / details of other people / groups who usually use spaces next to yours. And for outdoor events at this time of year, it'd be good to say what you're doing as host to keep people warm enough and what they can do for themselves. Should they bring their own chairs and/or blankets?
- giving another sort of info - is it a structured event? is it unstructured or hybrid? Is it ok to just leave if you're not enjoying it? Is it possible to leave without help from you as the host?
- confirming re eating stuff in a situation where some people are wearing masks and others aren't actually seems reasonable to me. What rules does the space have on wearing masks? Could the space look like one where everyone who can wear a mask is doing so? Do people only remove them to eat? How physically close is it ok to get to other people? (especially if these people might normally be mask wearing but have removed them to eat) Is there a specific space to go to if you want to eat? [in case there are people not eating to avoid taking their masks off]
- there's also a whole chunk of stuff around where have the snacks come from / who has paid for them / are we supposed to be contributing to the cost? that might need clarifying for new people.
- you may not need a co-host, if you can find someone specifically willing to help look after new people for the first 30 mins or so.
non-logistical concerns
And I understand how frequent repetitive self-deprecation can arise partly because of uncertainty about acceptability of behavior.
In the experience I most recently had, it felt like there was no amount of reassurance or information anyone could give this participant that helped them seem less worried (when given clear information on something they'd seemed uncertain about, the person did not seem relieved). That's part of what I am describing as unusual anxiousness, along with the "their worries take over the ordinary give-and-take of conversation" pattern. So, if you have tips for that situation, that'd help further.
Re: non-logistical concerns
- say something like 'sorry, I'm tired, I'm not sure I've explained it very well - can you tell me what I've just said to you, to check I've not missed anything out'. I deliberately use a self deprecating formulation when I'm trying to check understanding with adults because it can sound very 'adult to child', but that's not necessary.
- give them a job to do, so there's something for them to focus on that isn't being worried.
- sit with them and let them ramble at you, making approving noises every so often, using your calmness / stillness to help them calm [really not compatible with hosting]
- encourage them to go home + come back another day, say the event will still be there and if they're not up for it today, that's OK.
- call them on it 'I've explained x three times now, you still seem really anxious. Is there something I could do right now that might help?' or ask them explicitly 'what's wrong?' 'is everything ok?' [runs the risk of you getting into an emotionally complex conversation]