I wish I had done this sooner

Apr. 18th, 2015 01:35 am
jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
[personal profile] jewelfox

It was a mistake for me to wait to go on hormones until early this year. I feel so much better about myself, my place in the world, socializing, everything.

My life isn't perfect; I still have some very big stressors to deal with, sometimes, and ways in which I don't sufficiently respect my selves. But I feel more at peace, more often, than ever before. I'm not in conflict with my selves anymore, like I was in the anguished journal entries from ten years ago.

I feel like we're crawling out of our cocoon, and starting to spread our wings.

I hope things continue to get better.

Poem: "An Entangled State"

Apr. 17th, 2015 08:27 am
jjhunter: neuron growing a dendritic branch to meet the reaching axon of another neuron in watercolor greys (neuron reaching out)
[personal profile] jjhunter
If I assemble words tight enough to resonance with this
I will feel again what it is to pull a spiked gunked dripping thing up
from my stomach ratcheting up my throat catching at the maximus of my back
cranking my neck pulling taut the skin of my skull to rip out above my eyes
straining my temples with suckers as it goes

which is to say, I am weary of leaking
I gain at competence I want, I win, it inconstant yanks
back at this ungainly innard growth I call anxiety,
hurts me, hurts me there where it roots in me
I reach it resists, it brings me low
Read more... )

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Warm in the sun

Apr. 16th, 2015 10:02 pm
badgerbag: (Default)
[personal profile] badgerbag
Such a nice day today. I had meetings all morning from 8am onwards, then went to therapy, bus broke down on the way there and the guy was worried about letting me off into the street, but not a jerk about it. I got off and went to the next stop and all was well on the next bus. Listened to one of the mixes I made recently & played Ingress & looked out the window. So warm in a nice way - a little on the hot side but that feels good to me! I should start wearing sunscreen.

After my appointment I went to look for a replacement scarf for my lost wooly pashmina. The woman running the store and I discussed our strange desires to have every scarf. My new pashmina is silk and cashmere and is a dark rich shiny brown with faint black patterns. Super ideal. I feel like a little brown bird. (In a giant blanket thing, with purple trimmings). Then beetled off to the J, to downtown uneventfully, switched to the N, went up to the roof at work. I sat in the sun overlooking the bay & devoured a stroopwaffel and some of those toasted coconut flakes, dealt with some bugmail, then hung out with support and user advoc. people who were having a beer. Unsurprisingly, support/UA team is NICE.

I tried channeling Lukas a bit by hosting an event at work. the nicest meetup. In retrospect, really, I knew this but just figured I could get away with it, I should have lined up another person to help me host. And, I should have specially invited the facilities people to come and attend so they could see some accessibility barrier negotiation in action. (But really they can just come see me be unable to open the heavy door, any time. ) Around 40-50 people showed up and I met lots of nice people.

After many years of volunteer thingies and doing a lot of work it was nice to just go, Oh, an event shall happen, and magic catering people and an A/V magician show up and do many of the things. The only thing I did was zoom around opening the 2 different doors at the entryways and greeting people. Which was fun except for the door being hard to manage. it was not unpleasant to briefly wield some resources and be a nice host without having to do all the actual physical labor.

I thought how I used to go out and do something like this every week sometimes more than once a week. Increasingly by taking more painkillers. Oh! so exhausting! I just can't do it!

But, it was nice for tonight. also, the food was good. i was just inhaling it. (I wonder if all the asthma meds make me hungrier?? food seems especially satisfying this week) Nice cheese, dried figs, giant slabs of very dense crystalized honey.... those mushroom truffle tarts... wtf, nice.

i am now planning to put in a workplace service request (like facilities) for working with lighthouse to do a tactile map of surrounding area and the building first floor interior. I wonder if this is something that is useful beyond just particular occasion (must ask them -- also, did they keep the julia morgan ballroom one, and did the JM ballroom people know it existed? I should follow up) So, do they keep such things and then print them for people ? Can't believe I never followed up on that....

I am so excited about vacation and our trip. I cannot wait to pack. I'm going to loaf on the beach like nobody's business.

blood and Costco

Apr. 16th, 2015 09:50 pm
metaphortunate: (Default)
[personal profile] metaphortunate
First of all I'd like to apologize for the amount I've been tweeting about menstruation, and for the fact that I'm about to blog about it.

Here's the thing, though: it's the end of an era. In 2011 I bought a pack of pads from Costco. I remember sitting in my car in the parking lot crying, because I had joined Costco on the grounds that it would be good for buying diapers, and a year later, there I was, at Costco, buying pads instead of diapers because in a year I had failed to come up with any need for diapers and instead I needed pads because it turned out that once again I had failed to get pregnant.

And of course, since I was at Costco, I bought one package and it contained enough pads to absorb all great Neptune's ocean. So it lasted me until I did get pregnant with the Junebug. And it lasted me between when my period came back and when I got pregnant with Rocket. And it has lasted me until now. This will be the first time that I have bought menstrual supplies since 2011. I have one pad left from that package. It is the package that has seen me through my childbearing. And now it's over.

(Costco is great for diapers, by the way, but it's even better for wipes. Not only are they cheap, they're the best wipes I've ever found.)
yasaman: painting of woman holding a bright star (stars in our hands)
[personal profile] yasaman
Because I need to stop putting off updating my DW/LJ, I declare amnesty on actually posting any of the things I've vaguely felt like I should be posting about, and instead will condense those things into a bullet point list:
  • I have caught up on Elementary after a long time spent not watching because I was just. that. annoyed. by the whole Joan/Mycroft thing and aaaahhhhh I just love Joan and Sherlock so much. ;_____;
  • Steven Universe is an intensely charming, good-hearted cartoon that has made me burst into tears of joy twice so far.
  • I'm so not ready for Age of Ultron. I am feeling like a whiny baby about it, because I would really prefer to just continue wallowing in post-Cap 2 feels, especially given that I have an inkling what direction fandom will go post-AOU, and that I will not like it. I should get over myself, I know.
  • Community continues to be a delight.
  • Sufjan Stevens' latest album Carrie and Lowell is emotionally ruinous and exceedingly lovely. I've been revisiting some of his other albums too, and remembering how very much I appreciate his storytelling. He can get twee and overwrought and avant garde, but when he strips things down to basics, he's just stunning. Seven Swans remains perfect.
  • I'll probably actually post about it eventually, but I'm seven episodes into Daredevil, and enjoying it. It's exponentially better than Agents of SHIELD, that's for sure. I'm particularly pleased with the cinematography and the visual look of the show.
  • I marathoned like, all of The Mindy Project a while back, and found it alternately frustrating and delightful. I'm super invested in Danny/Mindy now, and desperately hoping the show doesn't get cancelled.
  • And because I guess I'm only watching sitcoms now, I also watched Playing House, which was: a) uproariously hilarious; b) female character-centered; c) genuinely touching; d) almost entirely about the friendship between two women; and features e) the BFF femslash ship of MY HEART. God, everyone else watch it, write me fic. I'm gonna request it for Yuletide.
  • Like I said, I guess I'm mostly watching sitcoms now, so I also watched Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, which definitely had some gross issues re racism, but was also a surprisingly cogent and affecting take on being a survivor while also being totally hilarious. Also its entire existence was more than justified by the Daddy's Boy's joke. If you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, I assure you it is worth every second. I was in literal tears.

Okay, I can't remember anything else I really wanted to write about, so here, have a poem that I couldn't stop smiling about and that's pretty timely what with April and National Poetry Month:

"when faces called flowers float out of the ground" by E.E. Cummings

when faces called flowers float out of the ground
and breathing is wishing and wishing is having-
but keeping is downward and doubting and never
-it’s april(yes,april;my darling)it’s spring!
yes the pretty birds frolic as spry as can fly
yes the little fish gambol as glad as can be
(yes the mountains are dancing together)

when every leaf opens without any sound
and wishing is having and having is giving-
but keeping is doting and nothing and nonsense
-alive;we’re alive,dear:it’s(kiss me now)spring!
now the pretty birds hover so she and so he
now the little fish quiver so you and so i
(now the mountains are dancing, the mountains)

when more than was lost has been found has been found
and having is giving and giving is living-
but keeping is darkness and winter and cringing
-it’s spring(all our night becomes day)o,it’s spring!
all the pretty birds dive to the heart of the sky
all the little fish climb through the mind of the sea
(all the mountains are dancing;are dancing)


Apr. 16th, 2015 07:35 pm
giandujakiss: (Default)
[personal profile] giandujakiss
I love it when a show that I'd lost interest in suddenly makes a comeback.

*she says, addictively catching up on this season*
alias_sqbr: (genius!)
[personal profile] alias_sqbr
I didn't request this for jukebox because I have a very specific story in mind which, as I only realised as I watched the video for signups, is 100% not what the song is actually about. Also I like the other songs I requested more, in the end. But I wanted to get my original interpretation down before the actual meaning wipes it out.

The setting is the far future, but with fantasy/horror elements. The Mercy Seat is part of some sort of quasi-religious/mystical role, judging other people's crimes/truths. The singer is a man from a poor background who feels utterly overwhelmed by the position, he does his best but is a largely powerless cog in a large machine and increasingly worn down. The seat itself may literally be taking the life from him. He thinks he is likely to die, maybe that's just how the Mercy Seat works or maybe other powerful people/beings are working against him, but struggles on.

(The actual song is quite clearly about someone about to be put to death by electric chair. I really don't know how I missed that all these years. Maybe I got confused by the original meaning?)

Wednesday 15 April 2015

Apr. 16th, 2015 04:55 pm
puzzlement: (jelly)
[personal profile] puzzlement
Originally posted at http://puzzling.org.

So many things about travel are only things I remember when I travel. Which is a shame, because some of those things I forget when not traveling are bad things about travel and I wouldn’t spend so much of the rest of my time puttering around being all “why am I so mysteriously averse to traveling? how strange!” Sure, I never forget the things about airports and aircraft being hostile to all things normal and human, I remember my three continuous days of insomnia after getting home from Romania in 2007, things like that. But that’s physical discomfort. I forget the emotions. I don’t remember the defensiveness of wanting to spend multiple consecutive days in dark hotel rooms (probably culture shock), I don’t remember the constant loneliness that nicely counterbalances that so that I’m unhappy even in the hotel rooms and I don’t remember the homesickness on top of it all.

I don’t remember the punch in the gut of “almost everything I love best in the world is somewhere else entirely”.

These memories obviously brought to you by being in San Francisco rather than Sydney right now. How else would I be accessing them? And you shouldn’t think of this as an unusual trip for me, this is pretty much every damn time. Not non-stop of course, or I probably would remember better why I have mixed feelings about travel. No. It’s an acute problem and I’m right in the target zone for it: more than halfway done with the travel, mostly done with the reason for the travel, why can’t I go home now?

As I’ve been telling people, last Thursday night was my first night away from A, ever. That Friday night through to this coming Monday night were/will be the second through twelfth nights, respectively. So that’s not helping either. Apparently she’s been pretty fine with it, which is in character. She doesn’t mind when we get babysitters, she doesn’t mind being dropped at daycare, it turns out she doesn’t noticeably mind that I vanished a week ago and that a couple of days later, V vanished too. (He’s gone to visit my parents.) C’est la vie?

On the bright side, I’ve finally been to Montreal! Which is actually part of this whole sad pattern too: I get this way worse when I travel as far as the US East Coast, or Europe, than I do otherwise. But still, I’ve finally been to Montreal! I didn’t really understand their seasons until I was flying in and I noticed that the waterways were still iced up, which I have never actually seen before anywhere, let alone anywhere in the middle of spring. I didn’t leave the city, but I did go and specifically look right at the river at Vieux Port. The ice was pretty slushy but it was extensive. I went to Notre Dame, which I wouldn’t have chosen for myself but am happy about; I wasn’t aware of the French Catholic history of Montreal and the cathedral is beautiful.

I was very Australian about the temperature, which is to say, it was above freezing, so why wear a coat? I run very hot in any case, even other Australians regularly look at my outfits and say “but aren’t you cold?” However by Monday, it was 22°C anyway (up from about -5 the week before) so I didn’t have to shock everyone for long. There was definitely much less ice visible on the way out.

Australian or not, I will admit that walking in the rain on Friday when it was about 3° and I had left my raincoat, conscientiously lugged all the way from Australia, in Outremont was a bit of a challenge.

I was there for PyCon and AdaCamp. The former confirmed that if I want to go to PyCon, some day I just need to go to PyCon and stop thinking that I can go on a work trip and actually attend the conference too. A number of people I know were very surprised to hear I was there given that they didn’t see me at all, and probably some more will be surprised when they read this. I have a more reasonable approach to AdaCamp: I can attend some of it and I do, and it is much as I picture.

I’m in San Francisco now. I think five hours or so is the worst length of flight. Long enough that I spend about four hours thinking “OK, surely we’re nearly there” and checking out the flight map to find out that nope, we are in no way nearly there, short enough that there’s no institutionalisation to the plane environment. Just non-stop outrage the whole way. Plus no one feels sorry for you afterwards, unlike my Sydney to Vancouver to Montreal itinerary which caused some appreciative intake of breath from Montrealers.

Four more nights.

giandujakiss: (Default)
[personal profile] giandujakiss
It didn't really do much for me, but I'll stick with it just to see what everyone's talking about.

That said, it really illustrated one of the things that's just so bizarre about Hollywood blockbusters - and it illustrated what inspires slash.

Spoilers )

a good swim

Apr. 15th, 2015 03:30 pm
badgerbag: (Default)
[personal profile] badgerbag
I had a decent swim today at PT. My ankles did not feel strong but I could do all the things. I had a nice 10 minutes of lying in the sun beforehand on a park bench and nearly fell asleep. On the way there past the zoo I stopped to watch two brown bears playing in their pool. Today's class was 4 dudes, one of the ditzier ladies, and a nice woman who talked about her marriage and her new (old) Impala and going to casinos. She is a bus driver. Sadly she thought I was in my early 20s. Right..... No! There was a guy there with a new back injury who was very tense and upset. I felt for him. He was wishing that he could just be in the water all the time since then he would be "walking like a normal person again". I did not break it to him that he was still wincing and limping and looking kind of fucked up in the water. I hung out more with the guy with the prison tattoos who is pretty nice, and the Impala lady, who told us all about the beached whale in Pacifica and the last 4 or 5 times there has been a beached whale in the area.

Asthma still nasty. I think that there is nearby road construction and that is what's doing it. Pulse oximeter thing going from 95-98. Inhalers rule. Even if they make you get the shakes.

I am well into this not very good series of fake Jane Austen novels where Elizabeth and Darcy go to all the different settings for Austen's other novels. The writing style and things that happen are not at all right. But they are not super super awful enough that I've stopped reading them, either. Everything else on my Kindle (and it is full of stuff) is sort of serious or dense. Need trashy reading!

Hugo mess continues, very annoying. I read a short story that was withdrawn from the awards. It wasn't very good. Nothing to barf about, it was just boring and as if it were churned out to make $25 or fill up magazine pages 40 or 50 years ago and it would not have done anything new then either. I then thought of all the novels that are basically that same story but stretched out to make more pages, and just as boring. How can people be so dull?!

I also read a pleasingly cranky review of Silver on the Tree, a book that has always annoyed me.

A. wore lip gloss to school today for "twin day" along with black tshirts with horses on them with 3 of her friends. Oddly... she just got home and she is wheezing.

some reads

Apr. 15th, 2015 03:57 pm
inlovewithnight: (Default)
[personal profile] inlovewithnight
Where Sunday Mass is in Mohawk. Fascinating piece about a Mohawk reservation where they've blended Catholicism and indigenous beliefs into a single practice.

When Dickens Met Dostoevsky. A really cool investigation into a great literary hoax.

Real Delusions of an Unreal Disease: A History of Morgellons. Article is respectful and intersectional; comments are not.

A Sphincter Says What?

Apr. 15th, 2015 02:35 pm
netmouse: Firefly, natch. (Default)
[personal profile] netmouse
(cross-posted from http://netmouse.livejournal.com/799046.html)

I feel like I should comment on the Sad Puppies/Rabid Puppies mess with the Hugo Awards this year. If you don't know what I'm talking about, basically there were a couple "slates" of candidates for Hugo Award nomination that people were pushing for this year in organized campaigns online. This is not against the rules, though many found it in poor taste, especially as the organizers were not shy about pulling in people from outside the fannish community to "freep" the results. One group did this before, but without dominating the nominations. Mike Glyer provided an overview on File 770 as to how successful they were this year (which was very), and there are now other articles on salon.com, slate, the daily dot, Strange Horizons, and i09, to name a few.

George R.R. Martin also weighed in with what I thought was a well thought-out post, and several other people have blogged about it as well, including this year's author GoH and Hugo Awards co-host (with Tananarive Due), David Gerrold. Finally, Mary Robinette Kowal has posted on how, yes, fandom can be more inclusive of SFF fans out there who may not have discovered it yet, and encouraged people to participate in the Hugo Award voting and nomination process who perhaps have not done so before. She has backed up that encouragement by offering ten supporting memberships to the current Worldcon to any fan who cannot afford such, and others have joined her in doing this, so she is accepting applications for up to 75 supporting memberships on that page between now and April 17. Please spread the word.

As for me, I did something like that last year -- The Sad Puppies slate annoyed me, particularly because I knew that, what with working on Detcon1 for July and moving to Pennsylvania in August, I had no time for reading and voting on the Hugo Awards. So I went to The Carl Brandon Society discussion list and I offered to buy four supporting memberships to that year's Worldcon to anyone who was interested in voting and would commit to reading the nominees and voting on them. (Noting that I expected people to vote their own preferences, including that I did not expect them to finish any work they were not enjoying). I felt lucky to get four volunteers, and signed them up. This year, I reminded them before the nomination deadline that they could nominate works for this year as well, and that fewer people usually participate in nominating, so it has a bigger impact.

At that time, shortly before nominations were due, I knew the Sad Puppies were likely to put forth another slate, but I didn't realize how many works in almost every category they were going to put on their slate this year. I also wasn't too concerned, however, because a fair number of people involved seemed to sincerely believe in diversifying and expanding participation in Hugo Award nominations, which is a cause I support, and I had the impression there was going to be some diversity in race and gender in their slate as well (which there was). I didn't hear about the rabid puppies slate, which promoted works by truly awful writers and editors on a purely ideological basis, until after the nominations were announced.

I see some good candidates on the ballot in almost every category, and I hope people who vote give every nominee fair consideration. I haven't decided if I'm going to join and vote or not. There's no chance I can attend Sasquan, myself, for a number of reasons.

However, this year my plan is not to give away memberships in the current Worldcon so more people can vote. I'm going to wait until after site selection for the 2017 Worldcon is completed and give away supporting memberships to *that*. Current rules are that members of the current, next, and last Worldcon can nominate for the Hugo Awards. So if you get a supporting membership to the 2017 Worldcon before January of 2016, you will be eligible to nominate for three years -- 2016, 2017, and 2018.

Note that any members of this year's Worldcon can vote on site selection for 2017. In order to vote on site selection, you have to pay a fee that will be rolled into a supporting membership for whichever bid wins the Worldcon. If you are a member of this year's Worldcon, I encourage you to vote in site selection, get that supporting membership for the 2017 Worldcon, and commit yourself to nominating works and people for the Hugo Awards for the next three years.

You do not have to be present to vote on site selection. You also don't need to be widely read to be "qualified" to nominate for the Hugo Awards. You just have to care. It also helps to keep track of what stories, books, magazines, essays, art, etc, that you like each year. I recommend as part of this commitment, you start a text file or google doc or (gosh), a piece of paper on the wall or side table, titled "Fave SF&F of 2015" -- it's easier to keep track throughout the year than to remember when you're up against the deadline.

As a side note I'll also speak up in support of both the Helsinki and DC bids for 2017. The Worldcon was held in Japan in 2007 and in Montreal in 2009. Both conventions had a mix of great successes and serious issues. I think both sites deserve serious consideration for future years but not 2017. The Worldcon has not been held on the East Coast of the US since 2004, when it was up Boston (about an 8 hour drive from DC), and it has never been held in Finland. The last time the Worldcon was held in DC was in 1974, the year I was born. Both the Helsinki and DC bids have strong committees and good groundwork, and I would be pleased to see either one win.


Apr. 15th, 2015 08:09 am
badgerbag: (Default)
[personal profile] badgerbag
Nightmares about pain. That was weird. My hands do hurt but not like in the dream.

(no subject)

Apr. 15th, 2015 09:46 am
synecdochic: torso of a man wearing jeans, hands bound with belt (Default)
[personal profile] synecdochic
If you haven't read the comments to my post about marginal tax rates and how they work, there is some amusing Avengers discussion going on in there, including trying to figure out how Bucky and Steve's back pay was treated, symapthy for the poor bastards on the Joint Committee To Figure Out What The Fuck, What Do We Owe Captain America (not its official name), and an introduction to the Avengers' financial advisor, Pepper's old college friend. :)

How Are You? (in Haiku)

Apr. 15th, 2015 07:46 am
jjhunter: Silhouetted watercolor tree against deep sky-strewn sky (poetree starlight)
[personal profile] jjhunter
Pick a thing or two that sums up how you're doing today, this week, in general, and tell me about it in the 5-7-5 syllables of a haiku. I will leave anonymous comments screened unless otherwise asked; feel free to use this to leave private comments if that's what you're most comfortable with.


Signal-boosting much appreciated!


Apr. 15th, 2015 12:05 am
emceeaich: A close-up of a pair of cats-eye glasses (Default)
[personal profile] emceeaich

If this works, I'm treating myself to a volcano lair. It's time. — Elon Musk motivating himself for the next attempt at soft-landing a Falcon 9 first stage.

"but it is not going to be installed"

Apr. 14th, 2015 11:16 pm
terriko: (Default)
[personal profile] terriko
Playing with docker and the mailman bundler today in an attempt to get some images running, and I hit a point where I got this:

root@fd97a058ea83:~/mailman-bundler# apt-get install python3-dev
Reading package lists... Done
Building dependency tree
Reading state information... Done
Some packages could not be installed. This may mean that you have
requested an impossible situation or if you are using the unstable
distribution that some required packages have not yet been created
or been moved out of Incoming.
The following information may help to resolve the situation:

The following packages have unmet dependencies:
python3-dev : Depends: libpython3-dev (= 3.4.0-0ubuntu2) but it is not going to be installed
Depends: python3.4-dev (>= 3.4.0-0~) but it is not going to be installed
E: Unable to correct problems, you have held broken packages.

It was very non-obvious to me what was going on and google wasn't super helpful, so I'm posting in case someone else searches for the same "but it is not going to be installed" installed error message.

Turns out, what happened is that I needed to run apt-get update, and now it's happy.

Well, at least relative to that... buildout in mailman-bundler is complaining about numpy so I've still got some work to do!

Song sermons

Apr. 15th, 2015 02:24 am
marnanel: (Default)
[personal profile] marnanel
"As Rick Astley says, never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down. And Joshua is told that God will never leave nor forsake him..."

"As Haddaway says, what is love? Baby don't hurt me no more. But St John answers that perfect love casts out fear..."

"As A-Ha say, take on me, take me on. And likewise in today's reading we see Elijah taking on the priests of Baal..."

"As Sting says, I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle. But the letters of Paul were written to specific situations..."

"As Wham say, wake me up before you go-go. In Ephesians 5, Paul also exhorts sleepers to wake so Christ can shine on them..."

"As Chumbawamba say, I get knocked down, but I get up again. So also, our Lord's resurrection on that first Easter morning..."
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